i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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