hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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