I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
