so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
