Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
