Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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