i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
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