The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
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