I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
