dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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