It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
