Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
