You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Randomize
