Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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