remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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