Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Randomize
