i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
