it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
