What a fucking waste of an outfit
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
