My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
