Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Randomize
