How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
