made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize