so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize