i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
