my mouth tastes like poor choices
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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