Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
