I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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