hell yes lets make some ravioli
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
