All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
