My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
