so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
