meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
