It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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