You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
