I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize