I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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