he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
