How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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