forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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