just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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