you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
