Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
