You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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