I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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