I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
