a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
As shirtless as possible
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
