He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
