Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
