a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
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