i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
