luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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