OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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