matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
