Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
