whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
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