the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
