I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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