Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
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