a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
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