A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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