im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
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